I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
