Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
