Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
