I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
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That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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