I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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