He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize