Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
His nipple licking is glorious
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