I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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