I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
