Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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