My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
