no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
