During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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