Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
