come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
