I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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