At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.