woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
