My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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