I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
