Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize