like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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