I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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