i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
