Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
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How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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