all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
