Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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