can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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