you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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