i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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