my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
