i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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