Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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