Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
