In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
