Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
