Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
