p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize