Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
