I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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