my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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