he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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