I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
