Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
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Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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