May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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