She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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