I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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