Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
