Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
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im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
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I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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