$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
