i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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