The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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