A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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