Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
