please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Houston, we have a squirter
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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